I often carry big feelings. I have lived a big life . .. And I don’t often go to those stories any more (unless you ask – and that’s fine – I like answering questions)
Suffice it to say that grief, rage, despair, joy, delight, love – these are all well within my repertoire. Well-practised and moved through and beyond, through theatre, therapy, breathwork, through singing –
And I have actually realised that this may be my purpose here on earth – to carry and manage and express big feelings. I believe sometimes I am just here to help people cry.
Feelings are what make us human. Feelings are carried and shared and often suppressed or turned into someone else’s problem. Feelings untended can become physical illness, or can be passed from one to another unconsciously when one person refuses to feel – or can be passed from one to another in direct and conscious projection/blame/ anger.
I have also spent time examining and processing my ‘addiction to drama’. It can be a habit to be a certain way, and we have the power to let go and we can make a decision to move on.
Just take a breath and declare them gone. That is part of taking responsibility for our feelings.
And sometimes – often – we need help.
I have practised self-awareness and owning my feelings, so that I know the Big Feelings are not about the other person or the circumstances – they are all mine. There are unconscious thoughts or beliefs at the root of the feelings – decisions we have made unconsciously even at birth, and we may or may not unearth those thoughts. It is good to take the time to sit and feel and allow those feelings to arise and see where they lead – not in the head by thinking or psychoanalysing – but noticing where they are in the body – creating space for the Big Feelings.
I was travelling recently and I missed a train. I was on the right platform at the right time, so when a train came along I got on it. But the right train was one minute behind!
Many infuriating encounters ensued – the train conductor who then charged me extra to be on the train I was on (I had already paid 80 euros!) and then told me to change at the next station and they would swap my ticket. The train arrived 15 minutes late to the next station. The ticket officer who, after I had waited in the queue, told me the train I wanted was on Platform 10 and I should run for it – which I did – and watched it glide elegantly into the distance – so I went back to the ticket office and elbowed my way to the front – whereupon he told me my ticket had now expired and I could no longer change it or get a refund . . Oh this is only the beginning of this saga and I prefer not to recount it since re-living it can fuel the fire . . Or make me laugh.
Some people or circumstances can appear to cause the Big Feelings. But we are actually feeling old feelings. A Course in Miracles says ‘I am never upset for the reason I think’ . . . Very true.
But that does not make the Feelings any less real.
I had to return to my starting point and try the train again the next day. Meanwhile the accommodation was uncontactable so I would have to pay for the night I could not be there. And the extra train ticket for the next day. And various other costs (including an unpleasant scam on arrival) that are all part of travelling . . . I could not access the wifi because I could not access a text message on my phone. I had tried for three weeks to access my phone – I had had my son try to hack my account to turn on international roaming . . . Oh – see? – I am recounting it all because I want you to understand. I had many reasons to be upset.
But I was aware on a deep level that these inconveniences were not the cause, they were a gift and an opportunity, and so I sat on the train feeling deep and ancient rage and grief. . . What was this?
I welcomed the rage.
I welcomed the grief.
I focused my attention on my body, my breath, the magnificent countryside rolling past, the feel of the seat under me and my hands in one another. I was glad to be traveling alone, although I did pass the time of day with my neighbour, who was passionate about food, and the feelings weren’t going anywhere . . As I focused within and without, I could feel the grief behind the rage . . Which made me want to cry, but even I drew the line at sobbing publicly on a crowded train . .
After a while a baby in the next row started wailing loudly. She cried and cried for a long time. Her mother stood and rocked her and patted her – so patient and loving – I was impressed.
So I found the baby within me, and rocked and patted her too – and the Big Feelings started to lessen, and the baby in the next row stopped crying, and a few modest tears fell (mine), and I finally arrived at my destination. Twenty four hours after I had begun.
This is not the end of the story – the grief and rage are from my very early childhood. They come and go, and I continue to encounter crying babies – and even crying dogs! I process them through singing and writing and resting and dreaming, and sometimes try walking them off, and distracting myself, and looking after myself with good food and warmth and sleep and comfort.
Perhaps I will need some help – but I am thinking they have risen to the surface now for a very good reason, and they are on the way out once and for all.