It is only safe to engage with the world when you know how to disengage.
There is a play by Jean-Paul Sartre called huis-clos – or No Exit. It describes a few people stuck in a room together who can’t get out, a kind of claustrophobic confrontation or stand-off. They soon come to hate each other.
How do you leave a room? A party? A gathering? A relationship?
Some occasions may appear to require more explanation than others, but often all that is required is one of the following:
- Excuse me
- It was great to talk
- Goodbye thank you so much for having me – (see you again)
- Thank you for the coffee
- Thank you for the chat
- Have a great day – goodbye
It can be so simple – and perhaps the other person is wondering how to wind up the conversation also.
I learned this when I realised my parents excessive ‘politeness’ made it impossible for them to leave, or end a conversation, or change the subject or interrupt – and I had learnt the same.
The answer was to stay away from people except in the most formal of set-ups – eg a dinner party where the rules were clear. Holidays were spent camping in remote parts of the country, with as little chance of human interaction as possible.
For a long time, as an adult, when I visited and it was time to go, I would say – I’m off, and for mum that would be a cue for her to say ‘another cup of tea? Stay to dinner?’ Or – ‘come and have a look at. . . my latest paintings, the garden, this thing I made’. It took at least half an hour to leave.
One day, wen I became aware of this dynamic, I learned to say ‘ thank you, see you later’ – kiss, hug, and I left.
Phew.
Surprisingly liberating.
It has taken me some years to perfect, and in that time I became so averse to conventional rules and ways of doing things that I became something of an outcast . . . There were definitely people I offended in that time . . But there were those I offended anyway, from trying to be too polite, from hanging around because I felt I should and giving them the wrong impression . . For heaven’s sake, I nearly got married out of ‘politeness’ – and a complete lack of a sense of self-worth and of what I needed.
But, after this renegade period, I have since learned to use this strategy (ie. ‘thank you, goodbye’) in many situations, and I have offended no one. They have probably been relieved themselves.
The only difference between the different situations is the length of time it takes to say thank you and goodbye.
So if you had coffee together – it’s a pack your bag quick departure, If you have stayed for several days, it might be a thank you present or a thank you dinner, If you have been lovers – a very deeply considered thank you in writing may be appropriate. But thank you sex? A thank you and goodbye holiday together? An attempt to be friends before a proper break?
Maybe not.
This prolongs the agony for the person being left.
Back to Huis Clos/In Camera/No Exit – what if you are stuck on a plane next to someone and you need to end the conversation? Same thing – thanks for the chat, enjoy the flight. (And go back to your book/having a nap/gazing out the window.)
Look – there will be people reading this who are thinking – what is the big deal? But those who feel relief at the thought of employing this strategy – you know who you are – this is for you.
Thank you
Enjoy the flight.