So I am Here.
I have slept well. I have walked on the cliffs and witnessed the sea. I have eaten well. I have made fleeting contact with strangers. I’ve spoken at length with family from home. I have messaged friends, washed and dressed and worked. I’ve had a class, a zoom class.
But I feel surprisingly untethered.
I have to remind myself of all those things, those connections, my reason for being, my existence here on this earth.
It is not the new place that I’m in. (I am in a new place. I am in Ireland in an Airbnb. Solitary.)
But I feel this at home. I feel this at work. With friends.
I feel this in a share house.
I feel this – untethered – often.
Sometimes I cannot remember what I am doing, or why I am here, or who I belong to . .
Sometimes I want to leave town, or the country, or the earth . .
I wonder if this is what dementia feels like? I have a friend who says how discombobulated she feels – she cannot remember a thing – but she is transfixed and transported by the beauty of trees around her . .
Life has its own plans for us – and the pain comes from resistance.
And then I find myself in some remarkable synchronicity . . I have landed in a B&B with a Breathworker, like me, I hear songs from my group back home . . I have arrived in Cork city during the choral Festival and in a hotel (it chose me) full of middle-aged female choristers – my chief target market!
Also at the hotel was a fellow from the retreat I just attended. The house I sold through an agent is bought by a friend . . A person unconsciously speaks about themselves exactly what their character says . . So often our characters are us.
The patterns and ‘coincidences’ are too numerous to mention, so commonplace that I start to think I am commonplace – ie choosing songs that everyone chooses, or a hotel that everyone chooses. But there are many houses for sale and millions of songs and many hotels and millions of professions . . Not everyone is an Airbnb-running Breathworker!
Sometimes I feel inches away from my real life. When will I be central to my life? Which life is mine?
I am Here.
And from Untethered – I feel Guided – that I am fulfilling my purpose in some way . . The choices are too great so I surrender my decisions.
I am Here.