‘I have lots to say around Consent.
I have been an actor/singer my whole life, and an alternative health practitioner specialising in mental health, and the way our emotions can affect our physical health.
As a woman who was a teenager in the 80s, I have seen many changes over the last fifty years. Despite the ‘climacteric’ and the classic (potentially liberating) invisibility that occurs when a woman ceases ovulation – when I choose to be visible, I still experience liberties from men my age and older who seem to act as if they have the right to a woman’s body.
– The older man who takes my hand in his on first meeting me – and kisses it! and then refuses to let it go until I fight for it.
– The man (my age) at a global conference of alternative healers who first gatecrashed my workshop by publicly suggesting to collaborate – and feels hugging is the way to engage at our first introduction – despite my holding out my hand for him to shake it –
Genuine ‘chivalry’ is something else: I sing with a man of 80 who is appropriate and with whom I feel completely safe – and in some circumstances I feel the need to use him as a shield.
Another man I know steps up when required – and backs right off to let me take charge when I like – for example when I was taking him and his partner out to dinner. There are some men who are loyal to their partner no matter what, from a sense of old fashioned chivalry . .
– even in a new relationship – there is an easy familiarity and almost entitlement with another body that begins simply because of any intimate (physical or verbal) exchange which may indicate consent. And that person’s desire may override their usual sensitivity and awareness to the point that the object of that desire has to work hard to escape an embrace . .
– In a group situation led by a Breathwork facilitator and her sacred drum, I had a deep and powerful ‘journeying’ experience. As I emerged slowly and gently from my altered state of consciousness, the woman next to me in the circle (whom I had not met) came to me and put her hands softly on my back. It felt nice. Motherly. She asked ‘can I touch you?’ and I consented. But soon the gentle motherly touch became a strong grasping and I quickly felt choked. In my highly sensitive state – and no doubt hers – and my history of compliance, especially to an older person, I could hardly find the words or even gestures that might extricate me from discomfort.
– Hugs are common, especially in alternative health circles. Hugs are accepted as a way to say hello – even if one has never met this person before. Personally, I feel it as an invasion of personal space. (Possibly in the same way my parents used to find the casual use of their first name by customer service people as an invasion of their privacy . . )
Formality and clear boundaries has its place in keeping people feeling safe. And feeling safe is a first prerequisite for any creative or connective endeavour. But times change. So how do we keep ourselves feeling safe and self-empowered in any situation?
Several years ago I had my first direct encounter with an Intimacy coordinator. It is a fairly new role in the theatre industry, developed in response to the intimate situations that actors find themselves in, and the generally poor mental health of actors.
Now it is mandatory in a rehearsal room to set up boundaries before every interaction. eg I am ok to be touched here and here and here. Please don’t touch me here.
This is revolutionary for me. I came from the school of acting that encouraged us to let all boundaries down. If we wanted a job, we should do whatever was asked of us. There are so many examples of this . . .
What is really mind-blowing is the offer that I can change my mind at any time!!
In the 80s – if you started something especially sexually, you had to see it through – or you’d get a bad name. . And it was liberated to ‘start something’.
Around a similar time I booked a session with a bodyworker. I wanted to explore my own sexuality and also my relationship to touch. Some people touch and hug their friends and relatives so easily – but this is not me.
I discovered Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, which shows all the variations of touching and being touched. Is this touching for me or for the other person? just because I am stroking their body, and therefore this may be construed as ‘giving’ – is it actually what they want or is it coming from my own desire?
I also discovered that I could barely hold hands with this professional bodyworker, since I did not have a deep emotional connection with her. How do people separate touch (sexual or not) from love?
When I first started this exploration I didn’t even know where or how I wanted to be touched or not touched – but the practice of being asked, of being given the opportunity to consider it a choice, led me to a whole new level of self-awareness and therefore safety.’